Well, here we are at the end of another month.  It seems like time is just flying.

 

I have been thinking alot about what I can do to get some money.  I thought about doing t-shirts on Cafe Press.com.  I could have done comic based t-shirts and merchandise.  But the only problem is the tax situation.  Not to mention I know nothing about the proper government forms to fill out to make it a real business.  It is so hard to find good resources that actually know what they are talking about.  And then it hit me.  Why don't I do the research on everything you need to know to start a business in Illinois (because that is where I live), and publish it.  I bet there are alot of people that don't know what to do and what they need to fill out to start a business.  To do this, I will have to take it on myself to do all the research.  Unlike alot of other books, this will be easy to understand.  It is an interesting idea.  It will take alot of research and time.  But what the hell, I have nothing better to do.

 

Not much else happening.  I am still considering other ways to make money or find work.  My wife considered asking her cousin if she could give me a job.  So who knows.

 

I have been pretty down lately.  Who wouldn't be with no job, no money and no sense of worth.  But then I think, "Well, who's fault is it anyway?  It is my fault.  I can't keep blaming everything on my father not paying for me to go to college.  It has been 15 years since high school.  That is plenty of time to make something of myself.  I have been unemployed for almost 2 1/2 years, and what have I done with the spare time?  Nothing.  So my condition is no one's fault but mine.  So it is time to get off the cross, take the wood, build a bridge, and get over it!"  So that is what I will have to do.  And there is no quitting.  I should be reading every book in my library to learn anything that I can that will earn me a job.  But I haven't.  Not any longer.  I am going to do this if it is the last thing I do.

 

Later.

 

 

Well, a lot has been happening to keep me busy lately.  I had a lot to think about in reguards to what I want to do with my life.  I haven't really come to a decision yet, but when I do, I'll let you know.

 

On the day before Thanksgiving, the tarpe on our garage roof blew off leaving the exposed wood vulnerable to the rain.  Then it snowed later that day to make things worse.  Today the snow melted and my wife decided to try to put the tarp back up.  The only problem is the water soaked wood probably won't hold her weight.  But she won't listen to me.  Lets hope I don't have to take her to the hospital if she falls off.  It is raining right now so it is probably slippery up there still.  Women, what can you do?

 

I figured out today that my Dad has been flushing his pills down the toilet.  This is another reason I have to watch him take them closely.  When I almost catch him, he looks at me like he is waiting for me to look away so he can palm them until he can get to the bathroom.  No wonder his blood was too thick the last two times he had it drawn.  What an ass.  Why can't he do what he is supposed to do and try to live the rest of his life happy.  But no, he has to try to stay in control all the time.  That just makes him miserable, because he can't win.  All I know is, I have no reservations against putting him into the nursing home again.  To hell with his money.  I don't care anymore.

 

Thanksgiving Day was one disappointment after another.  We all went to my wife's father's house.  The only problem is, by the time we got there, the food was already put away and we had to reheat it ourselves.  My wife had to work, so we were late.  And the food wasn't that good to begin with.

 

Then yesterday, I made our Thanksgiving dinner.  Turkey, ham, potatos, the works.  My Dad never got out of his pajamas, so no pictures this year.  My food was good.  I just wish we had some good people to share it with.

 

As far as religion goes, I still don't know what to believe.  But I am still searching for answers to my questions.

 

Well, that is it for now.

 

Later.

 

 

Well, I have been doing a lot of soul searching for the past couple of days.  Here are some of the findings.

 

I have a need to do something that matters.  But I have never done anything that matters.  I think the reason for this is I have always lived my life in a way that I won't do anything unless I have a way to get out of it.  One example is the military.  I was going to join the military, but there was no way out of it if I didn't like it.  So I didn't.  But now I realize that, all great things are done with 100%, not holding back in case you need to get out.  And that is what I am doing now.  I am split on what I want to do.  I want to do a web comic, but I also want to do Flash movies.  But as soon as the Flash movies became too hard to do, I decided to try the comic again.  I quit instead of working my through and finding a way to do it.  That is my problem.  When the going gets tough, I quit.  That doesn't cut it.  So I have to decide what I really want to do, and do it until the end.  No quitting.

 

I will not be told what to believe anymore.  Not by TV, not by the Church.  If they want me to believe something, they are going to have to convince me.  And proof is necessary.  It is so hard to believe Christianity when the stories from Jesus also happened in several other religions 2000 years before Chist.  I need the facts.  Then I will believe.  Until then, for all I know, God was an energy creature that did a science experiment on the earth, like in Star Trek.  Usually, facts from more than one source that say the same thing are true.

 

Well, that is it for now.

 

Later.

 

 

I hate relationships.  I have never been any good at them.  So let me spell out a few things that confuse me.

 

Why is it, that someone will act like they like you in a certain way, but then you find out that they don't and they like someone else in that way.  What is the point of flirting, when you have no intention of going any farther.  Do women get a kick out of seeing men go gah gah when they hint that they might be inclined to start a relationship?  And do women take pleasure in shooting down the men in the end?

 

What is it about some men that make all the women go gah gah, and other men make women want to make fun of them or treat them like children.  Do you have to be a hard-ass to make a woman fall for you?  I would think that a man who treats the woman well, listens to everything she says, and does things for her, would win the woman over.  But no!  Its the guy that doesn't give a shit that has all the women wet over him.

 

In my past, I have tried being quiet and mysterious, witty and charming, attentive and caring, funny, with no success, other than my wife.  Personally, it isn't in my nature to "not give a shit".  Do I have to be a wife beater to get the hot women?  Someone please explain this to me.

 

Later.

 

 

I just can't take this life anymore.  Every day is the same boring crap.  I don't contribute, I don't make a difference.  Its not that I don't want to.  I am kept from making a difference or contributing.

 

I know everyone has heard me say these things before, but what else am I to write about?  Every day is the same.  I feel like I am dying.  I feel like crap every morning.  I do the same things every day.  I feel numb.

 

I need to snap myself out of this.

 

Later.

 

 

Here I sit again.  No one to talk to but myself.

 

It hasn't been a good day for me today.  It just seems like...  I don't know.  I feel empty.  I feel like no one cares about me.  I feel that no matter what I do, this is how I will feel from now on.

 

I went into "There" tonight, and some of the people I know were on.  So I held an event and only one person showed up.  And he only stayed for a few minutes.  Why is it so hard for me to make friends?  I am nice enough of a guy.  To me, friendship means something.  So what is wrong with me?

 

It is the same with finding a job.  I can't find a job for the life of me.  I am a hard worker, I am never absent or late.  But no one will hire me.  This world is completely fucked up.

 

Well, I guess I'll just go back into my little fantasy world and turn on the TV again.

 

Later.

 

So here I sit. 

 

I just feel so empty all the time.  When you have all day to think about things, you think of the strangest things to think about.  Sometimes a feeling of doom comes over you.  And there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I find that I keep saying "I gotta get out of here." all the time.  But where is the "here" that I have to get out of.  I really don't know what will make me happy.  Now that I really think about it, the "here" I want to get out of is my life.  There is very little that I am happy with in my life.  I want to be thin, have good hair, have a good job, have a nice amount of money in the bank, have a house big enough so that it isn't cluttered, and I want my wife to be thin and beautiful.  I want nice clothes to wear that actually fit instead of having the makers just sew around the edges of the fabric.  I want lots of good friends that will do anything for me and I would do anything for.  I want a family that loves me no matter what I do and never judges me.  I want to live somewhere nice.  I want to feel safe.  I want to feel loved.  Is that too much to ask for.  Its not like I am asking for a million dollars or to be a world leader.  Just that.

 

I saw someone I went to high school with the other day.  She looked great.  She drove a nice car.  She was still thin.  She wore nice clothes.  Goes to show what happens when your parents will help you with college.  She probably got a nice job right out of college.  Met someone and got married.  Maybe even has a couple of kids.

 

What do I have?  A mortgage payment, no job, no money, an insane father that I am stuck taking care of, a body that creeks everytime I stand up, and a wife that can't stop herself from complaining 2 minutes after she gets home and then expects you to give her money to go have fun with.

 

Sometimes, I am amazed I haven't jumped off a bridge somewhere by now.

 

Later.

 

 

Well, I am writing this one early because I never got a chance to write yesterday.  So here we go.

 

Got a call from my Dad's doctor today.  He says that my Dad's blood is not as thin as it should be even though he up'ed his meds.  So that alerted me to some sneeky movements that he had been making when he takes his pills.  I bet he is throwing his pills away when I am not looking.  When he takes the pills, he cups his hand around them like he is hiding them from me.  Maybe it's time to break out the big cups again.  I will probably have to threaten to put him back in the home if he doesn't take the pills.  Its always extremes with him.

 

I have been listening to this radio station on the internet called "FreeThoughtRadio" network.  It mostly talks about errors in the bible and questionable things Bush has done.  Religiously, it takes the Agnostic side, where, as I understand it, matters of God or even if God exists are unknown and they say that all of the other religions talk about God but have no proof.  I find it interesting to hear another point of view.  I would really like to see a debate of these two sides where no one will get angry and just walk away.  If interested in listening to some of it, you can go to www.freethoughtradio.com

 

I have been in "There" for so long lately that I decided to try the other side of the equation and download "Second Life"  It is another simulated world like "There".  Right off the bat, I didn't like it.  The avitars didn't move naturally.  The buildings were odd shaped.  Hell, the avitars didn't look natural either.  I played it for about an hour, and canceled my account.  I will never stray from "There" again.

 

God, I am so tired of this existance.  I feel so ...  useless.  I don't get anything for myself anymore.  I don't accomplish anything anymore.  And you know what?  I know that it is all my fault.  You get out of life what you put into it.  I have no one to blame but myself. 

 

I just feel like my Dad is draining my life away.  I mean, if I didn't have to take care of him, I could spend my day looking for a job.  But right now, I don't think I have a nice set of work clothes let alone any interview clothes.  So here I sit, watching my Dad sleep his life away while I waste mine away.

 

Later

 

 

Sorry for not writing for a while.  I have been on "There" too long.

 

The game is starting to get boring.  So I am going to start working on something else instead.

 

I have decided to work on my comic again.  It is easier to write for, and faster to draw and get out to the public.

 

Well, after the election, I feel like moving to Canada.  Not because of Bush, just because there were no good canidates this term. 

 

It is late now, so I will write more tomorrow.

 

Later.